


The Variations of a Name

by Nia_Chamberlain



Series: Kirk is Multi-Faceted [4]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Kirk, Bad Accents, Grandpa Tiberius, JT - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of non-con, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Shore Leave, Spock-Speak, Tarsus IV, Vulcan pet names, ashayam, bumfuck Iowa, lots of flashbacks, mentions of Kevin Riley, mentions of Kodos, mentions of the Nero incident, mentions of the she-devil Jocelyn, so obviously some shit is gonna be fucked up, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-05-27 16:52:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6292396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nia_Chamberlain/pseuds/Nia_Chamberlain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim can change himself to fit the needs of those around him, of the mission, of the situations he finds himself in. So it shouldn't be suprising that he goes by many names...</p><p>...of course, not all of them bring back fond memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_**The time he was called James…** _

\---In the past---

_James was four and too smart for his age. So he knew that it was weird to be locked in his room every year on his birthday. He wouldn’t even have known it was his birthday is Sam hadn’t gotten him a small present last year; an old PADD his elementary teacher had given him to use for homework that he told James he could use when he wasn’t home._

_He knew today was his birthday because Sam hadn’t come to wake him this morning, instead slipping a note under the door that_ _said “Be good.” James could be good. He spent the day sitting quietly on his bed, counting as high as he could in his head and repeating facts he had learned about space._ You can’t see black holes; you have to observe the effects around them to find them. What if you could create black holes? _James was distracted from his thoughts by the rumbling of his stomach. He clutched it tightly and slipped off his bed._

 _He moved to his bedroom door, standing in front of it for a few tense seconds before reaching out to twist the doorknob. When the door swung open, he moved to the hallway. If the door is unlocked, that must mean I’m allowed out…right? James_ was to _hungry to care at this point, so he crept down the stairs and into the kitchen. He froze just inside the doorway; Mama was leaning against a counter, staring into space. The door to the kitchen closed behind him and Mama looked up, smiling._

_“Come here, baby.”_

_James smiled, padding forward to lean against his mama’s legs. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, leaning down to kiss his forehead._

_“You were such a cute kid, George.”_

_James blinked, puzzled._

_“Mama, I’m James. Who’s George?”_

_Mama blinked slowly, her fond smile twisting into a frown. The hand that had been softly stroking his cheek stilled before reeling back and smacking him. James’ breath hitched slightly and he staggered a few steps back as his mama glared at him._

_“Go away James! I want George, not you!”_

_Mama crumpled to the kitchen floor, sobbing into her hands. James blinked, taking a step forward to comfort her. Sam appeared next to him, placing a restricting hand on his shoulder and moving him to the side as he went to crouch by Mama. After a few_ moments _she stood, stumbling out of the room with a hand over her eyes. The two boys stood in silence as they listened to her climb the stairs and slam the door to her room shut._ Finally _Sam moved forward, wrapping James in a hug._

_“It’s okay Jimmy. She didn’t mean it. Mom is just…a little sad today.”_

_James decided he didn’t want to be James anymore…not if it made Mama so sad. He obviously wasn’t and couldn’t be George, which is who Mama wanted. He guessed he would have to settle for being Jimmy…just Jimmy._

_(Two weeks later, Mama went back to space.)_

They had just received orders for their third mission in as many weeks. Kirk had just received the comm from Admiral Pike in his private quarters and would be breaking the news to the command crew in the morning that instead of returning to Earth for a week of well deserved shore leave, they would be turning in the opposite direction to complete another mission. Kirk sighed and reached for his comm. 

“Commander Spock.”

“Yes Captain?”

“Please report to my room. I have some things to discuss with you.”

“Affirmative.”

Kirk tossed his comm on his desk, stretching in his chair in order to pop his shoulder blades. He was ready to go to bed over an hour ago but being Captain apparently meant spending at least half your free time filling out paperwork. Kirk groaned, leaning forward to start on another report. A few minutes into the report his door chimed. 

“Come in!”

The door swooshed open and Spock stepped in, taking the seat in front of Kirk’s desk at his gesture. Kirk closed the file he was reading and reached for the PADD containing the orders he had just received. Why there needed to be different PADDs for almost everything he would never understand. He turned it on and passed it to Spock, allowing him to read it as Kirk returned his attention to the report from engineering. He had just signed off for a parts order when Spock finished reading the mission details. 

“It would be prudent to inform the current bridge crew of the change in course.”

Kirk nodded. 

“Yes. However, the route the Admirals wished for us to follow puts us very close to the border of some known Klingon territory. I thought it might be smarter to follow an alternative route that kept us out of any Warbird’s sights. What is your opinion?”

“The mission needs to be completed with the utmost efficiency. Avoiding an altercation with a Klingon Warbird is a second-rate priority, Captain.”

Kirk smiled. 

“You can call me Jim when were not on duty.”

He leaned forward, accepting the PADD from Spock’s hands. 

“I’ll let Lt. Yuri know about the change in course. Would you like to discuss the remaining details of the mission?”

Spock blinked, watching as Kirk sent a message to Lt. Yuri, smiling lightly when he got an immediate reply. His crew was topnotch, despite being young, relatively inexperienced, and beyond exhausted. Kirk set his PADD down, leaning back in his chair and raising a brow at Spock, who had obviously been waiting for his full attention before speaking. 

“Perhaps we should complete the debriefing with the rest of the command crew tomorrow, James.”

Kirk froze but managed a weak smile a few moments later. 

“Point taken, Mr. Spock. I’ll see you tomorrow for the debrief.”

Spock stood, nodding once. 

“Goodnight, Captain.”

“Goodnight, Mr. Spock.”

Once the door had closed behind the First Officer, Kirk turned off his lights and moved to collapse on his bed. He spent the night drifting between wakefulness and odd dreams of Winona Kirk caressing his cheek. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned that Star Trek: Into Darkness doesn't exist in this series? I feel like I should have...well, it really comes into play this chapter.

**_The time he was called Jimbo…_ **

\---In the past---

_Jim is 14 and angry at the world. Sam had left and he had been shipped off to Tarsus. He had been settling in, finally creating a home for himself, finally finding love and affection from family and friends only to have it ripped away by a fungus and a mentor turned executor. Then he manages to escape the bloody death-planet (mostly in once piece) only to be separated from his kids and shipped back to Iowa. His mom hadn’t even come planet-side, just told his doctors that he was to be returned to the love and care of her husband, Frank. Jim has decided mom isn’t mom anymore; she hadn’t ever been his mom but he had hope once. Now he knew he was nothing but an inconvenience for Winona, a terrifying ghost of the past she couldn’t bear to look at and had no intention of trying to._

_Sam still hadn’t returned home when Jim is dropped off at the end of his driveway. The doctor reminds him to show up to his therapy sessions, follow the diet plan they created for him, and attend the monthly check ups. Jim nods and accepts the PADD of information. When he enters the house it is empty and quite. He goes up to his ~~and Sam’s~~ room and throws the PADD in an empty drawer; he has no intention of acknowledging Tarsus ever again. Especially if they weren’t even going to update him on his kids. Screw Starfleet and their grossly empathetic, pitying doctors. _

_Hours passed in silence. When he wasn’t exercising, Jim spent the time lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about all the shit that had gone wrong, how he had failed, and how he could have done things better. Maybe if he had been smarter, faster, less blinded by Kodos and his promises he would have been able to save his aunt and uncle, his kids, and all the others that didn’t make it._

_It was dark by the time the house stirred. Jim heard the door open and slam shut, then the bellow of Frank calling for him to come to the kitchen. When he entered the kitchen, he was greeted by a fist to the face._

_“Hey Jimbo. Welcome home.”_

_Jim knew he could fight. Knew he could win or at least break a bone or two trying. On the other hand, maybe this was payment. Payment for Kodos, for the babe who died two weeks after he found her, for the loss of Tom’s eye, for the loss of Kevin’s innocence, for surviving when George Kirk hadn’t. So Jim lay on the kitchen floor, let his bastard of a stepfather pummel him and as his foot drove into Jim’s tender sides and stomach over and over, the self-hate and guilt that so saturated his soul sunk deeper and deeper until it became a part of him. When it was over, Frank leaned down and pulled Jim up by the collar of his shirt._

_“You’ll learn to appreciate what I’m teachin’ you.”_

_Frank dropped Jim to the floor, straightening out. He rolled his shoulders before strolling out of the room, pausing to grind his heel into Jim’s hand. When Jim finally managed to uncurl himself and stumble up to his room, Frank laughed and gave him a smile as he passed the living room._

_“Tarsus was just the beginning, Jimbo.”_

It was their first shore leave on Earth since the Nero Incident. They had only stuck around to pull together a crew, get the ship fixed, get Kirk appointed Captain, attend a never-ending parade of funerals, press conferences, and Starfleet reviews before the Enterprise was sent back out on a mission. Which they completed successfully. Which lead them to receive another mission. Which they also completed successfully. Which turned into a never ending circle that lasted nine missions and three months.

Suffice to say the crew of the Enterprise was tired and prepared to enjoy their break while they could. There had been rumor of an unprecedented five-year mission in the works that Kirk was eager to receive. The chosen Captain would be alerted within the week and set out by the end of the month, so the command crew planned to make good use of the time they had.

Their first day back had consisted of debriefs and endless meetings with Admirals scrutinizing their every decision. Admiral Pike had explained beforehand what would happen, how the Admirals were under a lot of stress by the public to make sure their primary source of protection (AKA the Enterprise and her crew) were up to the task, despite the crew being made up almost entirely of just-graduated cadets.

Kirk had promised to buy them dinner before they all left to do their own thing for the rest of shore leave. Dinner turned into a drink or two to take the edge off and complain about the “lets second-guessing every decision you made” Admirals. Sulu had made a joke that somehow turned into a funny story from McCoy about his ex-wife Jocelyn. The group was still chuckling (save Spock, but he seemed amused enough if the quirk in his brow was anything to go by) when Kirk leaned into his friend’s space to steal a sip of his beer, seeing as his own was empty.

“So, are you going to see Joanna while you’re here?”

“Yeah, headed that way in the mornin’. Actually wanted ta see if you wanted to come ‘long. Jo misses you.”

Uhura snorted.

“Kirk is good with kids? That’s surprising.”

The others laughed as Kirk played up his hurt feelings, dramatically clutching his chest as though he were mortally wounded.

“I am phenomenal with kids, thank you very much!”

McCoy chuckled, signaling the bartender for another round.

“It’s true. Don’t know why, but Jo absolutely loves her Uncle Jimmy.”

Kirk gave a satisfied smirk, ignoring the chuckling from the others.

“Uncle Jimmy? That wae ye gae along wi’ Keenser so weel?”

“Keenser isn’t a child.”

Scotty snorts, throwing back a shot.

“He climbs oan th’ engines loch they’re a playground.”

Everyone laughs, prompting another round of drinks. After a few more minutes of pleasant chatting, Uhura stands.

“I really should be going. I have a shuttle to catch in,” she pauses to check her watch, eyes widening at the time, “five hours and I still need to pack.”

She waves slightly, turning to leave the bar. McCoy calls for a final round, barley managing to get his hand up to signal the bartender before Kirk was launching himself out of his seat, heading towards the exit. Sulu raised a brow at McCoy, who shrugged and stood to follow his friend. The others followed along, Chekov pausing to pay the tab before hurrying after the others. When they exit the bar, they stop dead at the sight in front of them. Kirk is standing slightly in front of Uhura, hand on the shoulder of a man who is tightly gripping her wrist. They appear to be having a heated glaring session. McCoy steps forward, moving to Kirk’s shoulder.

“There a problem here?”

The man grinned, releasing Uhura’s wrist slowly. She backed up, sidling up to Scotty, Spock moving to stand slightly in front of them. Kirk hadn’t relaxed at all. McCoy seemed to notice this, as he rested a restraining hand on Kirk’s shoulder. The man raised a brow at the gesture before shrugging.

“Nope, no problems. Just a little misunderstanding. Ain’t that right, Jimbo?”

Kirk’s jaw clenched so tightly McCoy was a little worried about tooth damage.

“Just leave Frank. You’ve had your fun.”

Frank shrugged again, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets.

“Actually came to see you. I’ll leave once we’ve talked.”

“I have nothing to say to you. Especially not after the way you manhandled my Lieutenant.”

Uhura rubbed her wrist self-consciously. Sulu was the only one who seemed to notice the action, as everyone else was too focused on the confrontation occurring in front of them.

“Kirk, let’s just go.”

Kirk shook off McCoy’s hand, rolling his shoulders. He barely made it five steps before Frank opened his mouth.

“Good to see you’re still taking orders, Jimbo.”

There wasn’t any warning except a short warning bark of “Jim!” from McCoy before Kirk had turned and lunged, knocking Frank to the ground with a well-aimed punch to the face. The man groaned from his place in the dirt, clutching at his bleeding nose. Kirk scowled.

“Don’t call me Jimbo, you bastard.”

Kirk whirled away from the collapsed form of Frank and stalked off down the street. The others stood in silence for a few moments before McCoy sighed, running a hand through his hair in agitation.

“Have a good shore leave.”

Then he too was gone, moving at a slight jog to catch up with the slowly disappearing form of their Captain. 

(It wasn’t until an unfortunate age-regression incident occurred that they learned that Frank was Kirk’s stepfather. They were careful to avoid calling him Jimbo during the incident and even more careful after. They were considerate enough to avoid mentioning both the incident at the bar and his childhood abuse. If Kirk was appreciative he showed it in the stories he shared of his wild childhood; the hotwired cars, the time he put frogs in the water tower, and a memorable story about pink hair and a middle school dance.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, the accents are so bad I want to take a cheese grater to my brain. Poor Scotty; I butchered your beautiful voice. I tried, though, I really did. Man, this one got a little out of hand. So much for a five-and-one one-shot…this thing has turned into a monstrosity.   
> Review?   
> Nia


	3. Chapter 3

**_The time he was called kid…_ **

\---In the past---

_Jimmy is 6 and his mom has just flown off into space again. Except this time, instead of being left with Grandpa Tiberius, Jimmy and his brother Sam are left with Frank, their new dad. At least, he’s supposed to be their new dad. That’s what mom said before she left. But Sam doesn’t like Frank and Jimmy is intuitive even at 6; their stepdad is bad news. Jimmy wishes Grandpa Tiberius hadn’t gotten so sick and died last time Mom was away in space. Sam was always telling Grandpa that he shouldn’t wander around outside shoeless, especially when it’s raining, but Grandpa said he’d been doing it since he was old enough to walk and he’d be doing it until he was in the ground. Jimmy wished he wasn’t in the ground. He thinks Sam feels the same way._

_It’s been about a week since Mom left and things are ok. Sam makes sure he gets to school on time and there are enough groceries left over from when Mom was home that he doesn’t have to worry when Frank forgets to feed them. Sam just gets them something from the kitchen. Like he is right now. Frank wasn’t home at dinnertime so Sam sent him up to their room and told him to do his homework while he fixed dinner. Except Jimmy had been done with his homework for about 15 minutes now and Sam still hadn’t come up to get him._

_He had heard Frank come home about 10 minutes ago and there had been some yelling since then…maybe Frank wanted Sam to make him dinner too? Maybe Sam needed help finishing dinner? Before he could talk himself out of it, Jimmy leapt off his bed and walked to the door, pulling it open and bounding down the stairs. The yelling was easier to hear now that he was outside the kitchen and he carefully looked around the doorframe._

_“Stupid. Boy!”_

_Jimmy gasped and ran around the corner, barreling into Frank’s legs and reaching to wrap his hands around the man’s wildly swinging arm._

_“Stop it! You’re hurting Sam!”_

_Which was very true. Frank had Sam’s shirt grasped tight in his fist, holding the 12-year old boy up. Sam’s lip was split and a nasty bruise was forming on his cheek. His eyes widened when he saw his little brother and he began to wiggle, obviously trying to escape his stepfather’s grasp. It was too late. Frank’s free hand swung, backhanding Jimmy so hard the boy fell to the floor with a sharp cry. Sam growled._

_“Don’t touch my brother, you bastard!”_

_Frank barked out a laugh and released Sam, kicking Jimmy in the stomach as he left the room._

_“Don’t try to steal my food again, brat.”_

_Sam ignored the words thrown over Frank’s shoulder, instead scrambling to his brother’s side. He quickly picked up his brother, cradling him to his chest as he carried the younger boy to their room. Sam locked the door and crawled into bed, holding his now crying baby brother closer to him._

_“It’s okay kid. I gotcha.”_

_And he did. At least until he didn’t anymore and then Jimmy drove the Corvette over the ravine and then he went to Tarsus and then Jimmy stopped being Jimmy and he stopped being kid and most importantly, he stopped having an older brother to look out for him._

So things appeared to be turning around for Kirk. He was out of bumfuck Iowa, actually had a bed to sleep in, a shower to use, and a library that had more than old copies of the Guns&Ammo magazine from the 2000s. Oh, and he apparently managed to make a friend along the way. Leonard McCoy. The guy who had so graciously shared his whiskey on the shuttle to San Francisco. Also the guy who threw up all over Kirk’s only pair of shoes about 20 minutes into the ride. It was a memorable start to Kirk’s first friendship in his new life.

Anyway, Kirk and Bones were now friends. See, they even had nicknames for each other. Well, not true. Kirk called McCoy Bones and Bones called Kirk such fond terms as idiot, numbskull, and blasted fool. It was a lovely relationship. They even managed to get a dorm together instead of sticking with the random guys they had originally been assigned to.

It had been a couple weeks full of classes, classes, classes, and some more classes. Kirk didn’t mind; he had actually rather missed going to school. He had taken some courses online when he wasn’t meandering around Iowa, getting drunk and having meaningless sex. Still, getting back into the swing of things was pretty nice.

“Kirk!”

“Hm?”

Bones leaned forward, raising a brow.

“You even tryin’ to pay attention?”

Kirk grinned lazily, cozying down in his chair.

“Nope.”

The man across from him rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to the PADD with the test review questions on it. They were supposed to be studying for their basic linguistics midterm but Kirk wasn’t worried; linguistics was all about tongue and Kirk knew what he was good at.

“Hey Bones.”

The doctor grunted, not sparing Kirk any attention.

“I think we should go get a drink. I haven’t touched any alcohol since I got here.”

“No.”

“Booones!”

The doctor looked up, narrowing his eyes at the blond.

“No Kirk. We’re supposed to be studyin’.”

“So? The midterm isn’t for another 2 weeks!”

Kirk leaned forward, reaching across the table to cover the PADD with his hands. Bones grunted in frustration, looking up.

“Pleaseee Bonesss?”

There was a brief pause before Bones sighed half-heartedly and nodded. Kirk grinned and waited impatiently for his friend to pack up before dragging him out of the library and to the nearest bar.

\---A COUPLE HOURS LATER---

It was almost midnight by the time Kirk and Bones stumbled into their dorm. They had their arms wrapped around each other’s waists and shoulders, trying to keep each other up. To be honest, Bones was doing most of the holding up. The door closed behind them as they stumbled the last few steps to the couch, where Bones immediately dropped Kirk.

“Yur heavier than you look.”

Kirk burst into laughter at the heavy slur, clutching his side. Bones shook his head but ended up falling on the couch as the dizziness got to him. The two sat silently for some time, Kirk’s chuckles slowly fading and Bones trying to keep himself from passing out uncomfortably slouched on the armrest. His concentration was shot when Kirk leaned against his side, resting his head on Bones’ shoulder.

“’M tired, Bones.”

Bones grumbled but shifted so they fit together more snuggly, adjusting his arm so it lay comfortably around Kirk’s shoulders. He wouldn’t have been able to make it to bed anyway and at least this way he would have a warm human blanket for the night.

“Then go to sleep, kid. I gotcha.”

Kirk shifted half-heartedly, almost asleep already. Even though it was dark and Bones couldn’t see a thing, he could feel Kirk’s stare on him.

“Don’t call me kid. Never.”

Too drunk and too sleepy to pursue such a vehement response to a simple term of endearment, no matter how much it would trouble the doctor in the days to come, Bones simply nodded.

“I won’t.”

“Hm…good. Now shuddup.”

Kirk collapsed back into his side, out like a light within seconds. Bones smirked and drifted off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how much older Sam is than Kirk but I made him 6 years older…I wanted him to actually remember his father and mother before the Kelvin incident. In TOS, Sam's age is never given...in fact, I don't think they even say if Sam was the older or younger brother. Hm...  
> -Nia


	4. Chapter 4

**_The time he was called my boy…_ **

\---In the past---

_Jimmy had been on Tarsus for almost two weeks when it was time for the science fair at school. His aunt and uncle had been absolutely thrilled when he showed actual interest in attending school and then absolutely shocked when he was entered into all honor’s classes. Winona had told them he was of average intelligence, if not subpar when they had called for information so they could prepare to enroll him in school. Jimmy didn’t tell them that the reason his grades were so substandard was because he thought if he was doing bad enough, his mom might actually come home to teach him a lesson about slacking off. Bad attention was better than no attention._

_Anyway, Jimmy had been allowed to participate in the science fair even though they had started their projects about two weeks before he got to Tarsus. He completed his project on spiders and the ability to affect their weaving patterns in order to create what he named a structured bridge. His project won first place and the attention of the governor of the colony. Jimmy was beginning to pack up his project when a hand settled on his shoulder._

_“This is a very impressive project, Mr. Kirk.”_

_Jimmy turned, blushing under the gaze of the governor._

_“Thank you, Governor Kodos.”_

_The man smiled and patted his shoulder._

_“You may call me Kodos. Tell me, however did you come up with such an intriguing project?”_

_“Oh…well, I noticed that spiders are sensitive to sound waves. So I caught one and did some experiments. I observed that they move in different patterns when they hear certain frequencies. So I caught some more spiders and messed with the frequencies in order to get them to move in specific patterns.”_

_Jimmy reached for his display PADD, opening an animated chart and handing it to Kodos._

_“I recorded and calculated their movements and then transferred the data into a program. I noticed that over time their circular webs_ _started becoming more elongated. I named it the structured bridge.”_

_Jimmy gestured to the 3D design he had built._

_“This structured bridge is a geometric design that is extraordinarily strong and would be equal to a beam that could hold 1,000 pounds per square inch. If we could find a way to duplicate this structure…well, the real life applications are endless!”_

_Kodos_ _chuckled, handing the PADD back to Jimmy, who blushed when he realized he had been ranting._

_“You are very intelligent, Mr. Kirk. I have high hopes for you.”_

_“Really?”_

_Kodos_ _smiled, resting his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder._

_“The highest, my boy.”_

Kirk had been at Starfleet Academy for almost three weeks before he got in serious trouble. It was an incident that may or may not have involved a surly doctor, almost two bottles of whiskey, an angry Andorian, and a packet of pink dye. Suffice to say Kirk was a little more preoccupied with trying to ignore the waves of pain radiating through his body than the lecture Pike was giving him.

“Kirk!”

“Yessir?”

Pike raised a brow, lips tugging down in a disappointed frown. Kirk fought a wince; he hated disappointing the one guy who gave him a chance, even if it was only because he was George Kirk’s son.

“Are you listening, Cadet?”

Kirk paused before shaking his head. Pike sighed.

“Sorry, sir.”

Pike ignored the apology, leaning forward with his elbows on his desk, fingers laced together as he fixed the young cadet with a serious look.

“I know you are destined for great things, Kirk. But you won’t get anywhere if you can’t keep out of trouble. You need to find alternative hobbies, my boy.”

“Don’t call me that.”

Pike blinked, obviously surprised by the swift and biting response. Kirk, who had been glaring, broke their gaze and looked out a nearby window. The wooden handles of the chair he was sitting in creaked under the pressure of his clenched fists. There were a few moments of tense silence before Pike nodded, sinking back into his chair in an attempt to diffuse some of the tension in the room.

“Alright.”

Kirk’s hands slowly unclenched, falling into his lap and twisting together. The two sat in silence for a few minutes, Pike observing the blond studiously ignoring him by looking out the window. Finally, Pike sighed, waving his hand.

“You’re free to go, Cadet Kirk.”

“Sir.”

Kirk stood, executed a sharp salute and then turned smartly on his heel to leave the room. He was careful when he closed the front door, doing his best to keep from slamming it. When he got to his dorm he hopped in the shower. He stood under the burning water for almost two hours, trying to rid his skin of the feeling of shame and filth. 

It didn’t work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get out! I have been swamped with end-of-term papers and exams...luckily, I only have one left and then SUMMER!!!  
> So the science project Kirk did was from The Last Mimzy. I borrowed the idea…mostly because my science fair projects always consisted of “on average, how many kernels are leftover in a bag of microwave popcorn?” So I didn’t have any cool, intelligent ideas…hope you enjoyed the chapter! Again, sorry it was late! Je suis désolé!  
> Nia


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooo sorry this took so long. The end of the school year really drained me and then some personal stuff cropped up. Anyway, as thanks for your patience, I'm uploading the last two chapters tonight instead of spacing them out! Hope you like them.   
> WARNINGS: Bad accents…like super bad. ALSO, THERE IS RAPE AND PHEDOPHILIA…it’s not super detailed, actually pretty vague but it is there.

**_The time he was called pretty…_ **

\---In the past---

_“I know you’re hungry. I’ll give you this bag of apples. Come in here…that’s it.”_

_JT crept closer, wary of the officer. He wouldn’t have approached at all, but his kids were starving and he hadn’t found any food the last two trips he made. He was desperate. The officer was pretty healthy looking, skin clean of wounds and clothes relatively dirt free. It meant he was high up on the food chain and actually had food. It wasn’t a trick. Not like with the other man, the man who tore a chunk out of JT’s arm with his teeth and swallowed before his head was bashed in. No! No, he needed to focus. Needed to focus on the here and now. His kids needed him._

_“Through here, kid. The bag is on the table.”_

_JT followed the man through a doorway into what appeared to be a living room. His eyes darted around quickly, cataloging everything and checking for others hiding in the shadows. He found no-one lurking but- there! The bag was on the table. He rushed forward, so excited he allowed himself to ignore the man in the room with him. JT opened the bag and- yes! There were actual apples! He reached in to take one, to test it and make sure it was okay for his kids to eat but suddenly he was knocked to the ground. He shrieked, body twisting desperately as he tried to escape._

_“Stop fighting! This will be over sooner if you. Stop. Fighting.”_

_JT calmed. What did the man want? Payment? Okay, he could do that. He wasn’t proud of it, but he had given an officer a hand-job once before to get what he needed. Before this whole mess started. Before Kodos read the proclamation. JT knew who was on the List before anyone else and he wasn’t proud of what he had to do to get that information but he would do it a thousand times over because it was what saved Kevin and the twins._

_“Attaboy.”_

_JT felt a hand pet his hair and then smooth down his back. He expected to be flipped over so he could do his job, fulfill his payment but it didn’t happen. All he got was a hand circling his throat, another ripping down his pants, and then the agonizing pain of the payment he would eventually get used to giving. He would admit that he screamed the first time. He screamed and yelled and thrashed but the officer just seemed to like that, groaning and petting JT’s hair as he whispered how pretty he was, how sweet he looked, how tight he felt._

_JT had calmed by the end of the ordeal, passively lying on the ground and taking it as he stared at the bag of apples on the table._ It is worth it. It is worth it. It’s for the kids. You can survive this. _Finally, the man sated himself, flipping JT onto his back once he was finished. The man dipped his fingers between JT’s legs, shoving them into his mouth once they were covered in liquid. It tasted like blood and shame. The officer watched as JT stumbled to his feet, pulling up his pants, and grabbed the bag off the table._

_“Come back anytime you want, pretty boy. You were fantastic this time…I can’t wait to see what practice will do to you.”_

_JT snarled, teeth red from blood. The officer threw back his head and laughed as JT stalked out of the house. As he left, he could hear the officer murmuring to himself…_

_“So pretty on my dick. Can’t wait to see him crawl back for more…”_

_And the worst part was JT knew he would be back. He would do what needed to be done._

Kirk had been in a fight. Again. Although it wasn’t his fault this time, no matter what Bones said. The two had gone out to get some drinks in celebration of successfully completing midterms. They were having a good time and were well on their way to getting wasted when a guy came out of nowhere and decked Kirk in the face. The man had been too shocked to stop the brute from pulling him off his barstool and kicking him to the ground, yelling about how Kirk has slept with his girl and he was going to teach him a lesson. Luckily McCoy was a few drinks behind Kirk and was sober enough to break the fight up, no thanks to the other patrons who just sat and laughed. McCoy had to help Kirk stumble back to their dorm and was now fixing up his face.

“It wasn’t my fault, Bones! Honest!”

“For some reason, I don’t believe ya.”

Kirk pouted, glaring up at Bones through his eyelashes as the man cleaned out a cut.

“I didn’t even hit on his girlfriend. She came on to me! Not my fault…”

Bones snorted, leaning forward to smooth a butterfly bandage over the cleaned cut on Kirk’s eyebrow.

“It’s probably ‘cause you’re so damn pretty.”

Kirk stiffened under his hands, body suddenly as tense as coiled wire. Bones paused before slowly removing his hands from the blond’s space.

“I’m not pretty, Bones.”

The doctor’s eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Sure ya are. Pretty as a peach.”

A shudder seemed to roll down Kirk’s back as he pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and hiding his face from view.

“Don’t call me pretty. Please don’t. I’m not…I swear…I-I-I…”

Bones moved forward slowly, wrapping an arm around Kirk’s shoulders even though the blond tried to flinch away.

“I won’t, Kirk. I swear I won’t. You’re not pretty, I swear it.”

Bones began to gently run his fingers through Kirk’s hair, pressing the trembling body closer to him. They sat together for so long that they fell asleep. The next morning when they woke curled into each other, nothing was said except a snarky comment from Kirk about morning breath.

(Almost two months later, a man hitting on Kirk called him a pretty boy and Bones punched him so hard the man was knocked out while Bones walked away with two broken knuckles. While waiting to get called in to the doctors, Kirk hugged Bones and called him an idiot. They’re best friends for a reason.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the friendship between Kirk and McCoy.Hope you liked this chapter! Review?   
> Nia


	6. Chapter 6

**_…and the one time he asked to be called Jim._ **

Kirk had mostly grown out of the name Jimmy, the childish title that followed him until Tarsus, but he allowed it in cases of the past. Markus called him Jimmy, along with a few other old friends. His kids still called him JT for the most part, deferring to his title of Captain when the occasion called for it. He mostly went by Kirk now, a name given to his crew and to those he considered friends. It was less narcissistic than his stiff title as Captain but not so personal that it invoked feelings of life-or-death love. Sure, he loved his crew more than most captains, but the level of commitment didn’t manage to worm its way into the innermost, sacred part of his heart.

That was the area reserved for Jim. Not James Tiberius Kirk, son of the legendary George Kirk. Not Captain James T. Kirk, savior of Earth, protector of Vulcan, and youngest Starfleet Captain ever. Not Jimbo, the scared young boy who chose death over dying. Not baby or my boy or whore; not the one who gave everything of himself away to do what needed to be done. At the center of Jim was JT and Jimmy, those he had learned to love as he discovered love actually existed. Yet Jim encompassed more.

Jim was the part of himself that had survived all the shit in his life. Jim had escaped his childhood home unscathed, lived through Tarsus in relative ignorance, and was to be protected. He cradled JT and Jimmy close to him, hoping to heal them through continuous exposure to the untouched, untainted part of James Tiberius Kirk’s soul.

It had been a few months coming, Kirk thought to himself as he lay in a heap in a cliché dark and dank holding cell. He and his crew had been traveling together for what seemed like almost a year now (though it was probably less than that. For all he knew he had been in this cell for months; the concussion made telling time a bit difficult). They had fought for each other, saved each other, and somewhere amidst the banter on the bridge and all the life-and-death situations, Kirk had come to care for his command crew with a vehemence usually saved for the likes of Kevin and Markus. 

Which is why is shouldn’t surprise anyone that Kirk was currently curled in a ball on the floor. It was supposed to be an easy mission; beam down, renew the treaty, attend a festival, and then leave. Instead, the locals had taken Uhura’s allergic reaction to some kind of plant as an insult to their culture and threatened to lock them all up. Or maybe it was to behead her? Kirk couldn’t really remember; things were a little crazy at the time. Next thing he knew, he was being dragged down to this lovely holding cell and his crew had managed to escape thanks to Scotty’s awesome emergency beaming skills.

Although, none of what he remembered explained why he could hear the sounds of frantic yelling and running in the hall outside his cell. Maybe the guards got bored and were holding races in the hall and the winner got another round with the Starfleet Captain currently captive in their holding cell. Kirk scrunched his eyes shut, trying to ignore the pounding in his head attempting to crack his skull in half.

“Kirk!”

The door to the cell opened and Sulu rushed into the room, quickly scanning the small area to make sure there wasn’t anyone hiding in the shadows. Spock arrived in the doorway, briefly looking in before turning back to the hallway to keep watch, phaser in a resting position at his waist. Sulu hit his knees by Kirk, grasping the man’s shoulder to gently roll him onto his back. A groan escaped the blond’s lips but his eyes remained clenched shut.

“Kirk, wake up. Now’s not the time for a cat nap.”

“You’re a cute cat, ‘lu.”

Sulu bit back a grin at his Captain’s words, knowing they were a sign of a grade 2 concussion, if not worse. Still, it was amusing to see the suave Captain Kirk mistaking anyone for a cat. Pretty damned adorable actually.

“Come on, Captain. We need to get a move on.”

The pilot wrapped one of Kirk’s arms around his shoulder and carefully hoisted the man to his feet. Almost immediately the man teetered, falling into Sulu’s side when one of his legs gave out beneath him. Spock turned when he heard the muffled groan and moved to Kirk’s free side.

“It is prudent to move quickly. Perhaps you would allow me to assist you, Captain?”

Kirk nodded slightly, aware enough to know if he was too enthusiastic he would probably hurl all over Sulu’s shoes. Spock tucked his phaser away and in one swift movement, lifted Kirk into his arms. Sulu grinned before moving to lead them out of the cell and to safety. Spock followed swiftly, Kirk cradled tightly to his chest to minimize possibly painful movement. Kirk groaned when they exited the underground compound, squeezing his eyes tightly as the sun ripped through his corneas and sent lightning bolts of pain through his skull.

“Spock?”

The Vulcan paused briefly to readjust Kirk, encouraging him to tuck his head away from the sun.

“You are safe, Captain. Worry not.”

Kirk grinned, reaching with one hand to squeeze his First Officer’s bicep.

“Call me Jim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lame ending. I know, so lame! Anyway, I believe names have power, which is where this story idea came from. From this story on in this series, you’ll notice that Kirk has mostly changed to Jim and McCoy has changed to Bones, pretty much all the time except in certain dialogue situations. The stories are no longer stories of acquaintances, they are now the stories of a family. You may also notice the dropping of such names as Pavel, Nyota, Hikaru, and possibly Monty instead of Scotty. Not often, but sometimes. Especially in one-on-one conversations or highly emotional scenes.  
> Review?  
> Nia


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So chapter 6 was supposed to be the last chapter but I got inspired, so here is a bonus chapter!!! I hope you all like it.   
> WARNINGS: Blatant slash. Like, hello SpockxKirk!established relationship, nice to see you. Also there is mention of UNDERAGE NON-CON.   
> Nia

He hated pet names. When he was younger, Winona would call him sweetheart in a way that suggested he was anything but sweet. When he was on Tarsus, the men that he traded sexual favors for food with would call him many names, ranging from love to whore and (on one occasion he wished wasn’t so memorable) puppy. When he traded meaningless sexual favors while in the academy, his partners would call him honey and baby. Sometimes even God, if they were feeling generous. (And no, contrary to popular belief, he has not slept with over half the girls at the academy. Actually, he has given pleasure to about half the student population, men, women, and different species included. Jim never really liked receiving pleasure. He’d always felt that he was better at giving it, something Bones would probably say was psychological scarring from his childhood with Frank and his time on Tarsus.)

Suffice to say, pet names were not among his favorite titles. He used them on other people sometimes, especially dignitaries who needed a little flirting to nudge them in the direction he wanted them to go. He gave affectionate pet names to his dearest friends and family. The first time Jim called Chekov malysh*, the Russian had blushed so hard Sulu thought he had been taken with a sudden fever. Jim also called Sulu kitsune** or, when he was in a particularly teasing mood, kitsune-chan. It had started as a joke after an away mission turned unexpected survivalist camping trip but both Jim and Sulu had become fond of the nickname. 

Jim had even called Uhura sweetheart once; it was a couple days after the Enterprise had returned to Earth after the Nero incident. Jim had gone to get some of his things from Gaila’s room and discovered Uhura sobbing into one of the Orion’s old sweatshirts. Even though Uhura wasn’t Nyota yet, Jim had been unable to leave her alone to grieve for such a dear friend to them both. The incident was never mentioned, but sometimes Jim would call her sweetie just to see her give him a mocking glare, full of affection and happiness.

Anyway, back to the point. Pet names were not Jim’s favorite thing. So when he entered into a completely unexpected yet seriously dedicated relationship with one Vulcan first officer, he thought he was done dealing with pet names. He thought that he would never again have to grin through a name that caused shivers to roll down his spine and the unwanted, reminiscent taste of sweat, sex, and shame to settle heavy on his tongue. Spock was half-Vulcan and, as he often mentioned, deferred to his Vulcan side above his human one. Surely Vulcans thought pet names nonsensical. Surely Spock wouldn’t want to engage in ridiculous pet names, teasingly calling each other darling and sweetie. Jim just couldn’t see it happening.

Which is why he is shocked the first time Spock calls him love.

While they’re having sex.

Which might be why Jim tensed, body stiffening almost immediately as he tried not to remember the last time he had been called love while he was face-down. Of course, this time his cheek was rubbing pleasantly against cotton sheets, creating a soft friction that just moments ago added to the haze of pleasure surrounding him but now made him recall the scratch of dirt against his cheek, in his mouth and nose, choking him, making his lungs burn as he swallowed it down. He swore he could feel the dirt settling in his lungs and he swallowed desperately, trying to drag in air.

_You’re having a panic attack_ , his mind helpfully stated. _No shit_ , Jim replied as the burn in his lungs intensified and his vision began to dot. He vaguely realized he had been turned on his back and there was someone hovering above him ( _Spock_ ) and speaking in worried tones, obviously attempting to convey something. _I’m a little busy trying to remember how to breathe_ , Jim tried to say. But between thinking the words and opening his mouth, he passed out.

When he blinked his eyes open an indefinite amount of time later, he felt a little better. He took a deep breath because he could and felt some of the leftover anxiety ease away. He could breathe again.

“Jim.”

He blinked slowly, turning his head to the side. Spock was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching him with unblinking eyes. He was dressed in nothing but boxers, hair still in disarray from their previous activities and eyes shining with worry. Jim smiled tiredly at the sight; it was always nice to see Spock relax his rigid self-control.

“Are you well?”

“Mh-hm.”

Spock reached forward, wrapping slim fingers around Jim’s closest wrist, appearing to count his heart beat.

“You appear to have fainted.”

“Hm, appears so.”

Spock’s brow furrowed slightly and he leaned forward to rest a hand across Jim’s forehead. The blond swatted his hand away half-heartedly, tugging on his wrist.

“Come on, Spock. Cuddle with me. I’m so exhausted I could sleep a week.”

“You have just experienced a severe panic attack. It is not surprising that your body requires rest.”

Jim paused, releasing Spock’s wrist slowly. The Vulcan’s hand hovered in the air for a moment before withdrawing to rest in his lap. He watched as Jim turned on his side, curling into a tight ball, facing away from him. His heart ached at the defensive position.

“Jim…”

“Not now, Spock. I just want to sleep.”

“I apologize, however, I feel it is necessary to discuss this now.”

There was a moment of silence from both parties, which Spock took as acceptance on Jim’s part.

“Jim, I wish to understand why you reacted so negatively to our coitus. We have engaged in sexual activity an average of three times a week since the start of our relationship.”

Spock paused, allowing Jim a few moments to respond if he wished. When almost a minute had passed in silence, he continued.

“Have you received news that negatively affected your emotional stability since we last conversed?”

Silence.

“Where you not interested in engaging in coitus tonight?”

Silence. Spock opened his mouth to ask another question but paused slightly as something occurred to him. He turned away from Jim, his back to the curled up figure instead of angled towards it. Long, beautiful fingers wove together in a small sign of nerves.

“Perhaps you have grown tired of our relationship?”

Jim’s reaction was immediate and violent. He sat up so swiftly he tumbled lightly off the bed, quickly settling himself at Spock’s feet. The blond kneeled quietly, hands reaching up to wrap around Spock’s as he locked eyes with the startled Vulcan.

“No! No, of course not! I…I will never grow tired of you Spock. Never.”

The electric blue eyes were fierce and alight with passion as he spoke but it suddenly disappeared. Jim hung his head, resting his forehead against one of Spock’s knees.

“Unless you’re tired of me…”

“Jim.”

He looked up, allowing a slender hand to stroke his face affectionately. Jim leaned into the palm cupping his cheek as Spock’s thumb began rubbing soft circles into his skin. They rested for a few moments in silence, enjoying the confirmation of their affection for each other. _Yet all good things must come to pass_ , Jim thought sullenly as Spock’s hand moved to grasp his chin, tilting his head up to look at the Vulcan.

“Jim, I cannot help you if you do not tell me what is wrong.”

Jim licked his lips nervously.

“I…I don’t really want to get into it but…please don’t call me love while we’re having sex. Or ever, actually.”

Spock quirked a brow, although Jim didn’t see it as his eyes had fixed on a spot over Spock’s shoulder in an attempt to avoid eye contact.

“Actually, don’t use any pet names. Not love, not honey, not sweetheart or darling or-or-or any of it. I didn’t think I would have to ask you not to because you’re a Vulcan, which is, of course, one of the things I love the most about you. You and your logic and just...you. And I figured Vulcans would find pet names, I don’t know…”

Jim waved his hand in a half-hearted confused gesture, still firmly looking at the wall over his lover’s shoulder.

“Anyway, I just figured you wouldn’t use pet names and we would never have to have this conversation. You just surprised me is all, when you called me love, and I would really rather you di-“

Jim was ( _blessedly_ ) cut off from his tirade by a set of lips pressing insistently against his. They kissed softly for a few moments, just the gentle press of lips against lips. Spock finally broke away, wrapping his arms around Jim’s waist and pulling him up to rest in Spock’s lap. They rested their foreheads together, Jim’s arms circling Spock’s neck loosely.

“I do not know who ruined such terms of endearment for you; know that if I did, they would suffer for it. I promise I shall endeavor to discover all the names which you dislike and cease using them.”

“Thank you.”

Jim pressed a kiss to the corner of his Vulcan’s mouth, reaching with one hand to entangle their fingers. Spock leaned forward to nuzzle Jim’s neck.

“May I ask a favor?”

“Of course.”

“In my efforts to cease calling you these “pet names,” may I attempt to discover terms of endearment that have not been sullied by cretins in your past?”

Jim laughed at the use of cretins, nodding his agreement through a blinding grin. Spock leaned forward to kiss the corner of his smile, eyes sparkling in the Vulcan equivalent of a sigh of contentment.

“Thank you, Ashayam.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Means little one in Russian in an affectionate/endearing manner   
> **Means fox in Japanese. Adding the suffix –chan is used as joke as –chan is a suffix usually added to girls names or young boys by their mothers/older siblings.   
> Hope you guys liked this bonus chapter! It came to me in the middle of the third one-shot and I just had to type it. Anyway, don’t take any of my language skills to heart. Most of it comes from anime/manga, books, and friends taking language classes. Also lame ending, I know. Sorry! Also, sorry for the bad Spock-speak. I just cannot get a hold of it. Probably because I keep laughing half-way through sentences since they seem so stiff…  
> Review?  
> Nia


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